Robots: The Cashless, Humanless Future Nobody Asked For

Chase has recently recognized that tellers are no longer just human calculators handing out $20s. The job now demands emotional intelligence, problem-solving, and communication skills—which is why they’ve started increasing wages. That makes economic sense. The people walking into bank branches today aren’t looking to deposit a check—they need help.

Let me simplify. Imagine 100 people used a branch in 1982. Fast forward to 2016, and 80 of them now use ATMs or go online. The 20 who still show up in person either refuse to adopt new tech or have a complex issue. That means 100% of branch visits now require extra attention, compared to just 20% back in the day.

Meanwhile, other banks have decided to replace humans entirely. Bank of America and MasterCard are betting on ChatBots. These virtual assistants can tell you your balance or list recent transactions. Eventually, banks hope they’ll evolve into “full-service automated financial advisors.”

No one wants this.

If I’m online, I’ll just check my account myself. If I want a semi-helpful conversation, I’ll go to a human teller. I’d actually trust a self-driving car before trusting a bot with my finances. Sure, ChatBots don’t drink hand sanitizer, but until people actually adopt the technology, banks are saving money on paper only.

Not Wells Fargo: Just Kidding, It’s Totally About Wells Fargo

I keep trying not to write about Wells Fargo, but here we are. Let’s peel back the onion.

Layer 1: Fake accounts opened without customer consent. Illegal.
Layer 2: Aggressive sales tactics. Legal, but shady.
Layer 3: Convincing people to open accounts they didn’t really want. Legal…but deeply annoying.

Say a banker explains that you need different accounts for bills, savings, vacation, car, your neighbor, and maybe even a dog you saw. You agree and sign the forms. Technically, there’s no crime. You said yes. Saying “I didn’t like it” after the fact feels a little childish.

But here’s the actual issue: You might use that account you didn’t want, begrudgingly. And that account likely racks up more fees, because you avoid dealing with it. It becomes a revenue machine—and you become the bitter customer who won’t go back.

It’s not just Wells Fargo either. Other banks are ducking the scrutiny. JPMorgan is doing an “internal review” that—shockingly—isn’t finding anything systemic. Bank of America says everything’s fine. Meanwhile, if you’ve set foot in a JPMorgan branch in the last six years, you know that’s hilarious. Regulators won’t find anything…because they don’t want to.

Britney Spears, Bond Trading, and the Art of the Deal

Here’s a sentence I never thought I’d write: Britney Spears and mortgage-backed securities are having a moment.

TMZ reported that Britney’s lawyer is upset with Adam Kluger, who apparently told Bumble he represented her, then brokered a deal to feature their name in her music video—for $800,000. He paid RCA $450,000 for the placement, pocketed $350,000, and called it a day. Britney’s camp says it’s fraud.

Is it though?

In finance, this is called trading. A bank might buy bonds at $95 and sell them to you for $102. Sometimes that’s considered a markup. Other times? Fraud. It depends on whether the seller lied about something important.

Take Jesse Litvak, a bond trader at Jeffries. He misled buyers about what he paid for securities. His defense? The buyers knew the selling price and agreed. Also—everyone in the industry lies. Weird flex, but okay.

And honestly? He has a point. In institutional finance, buyers should know the value going in. It’s like buying a used car—if the salesman tells you he paid $10,000 for a ’92 Accord and you pay $10,500, that’s on you. But in retail finance, it’s a problem. Average investors don’t have pricing algorithms. They rely on the salesperson—the one who might “always lie.”

The truth is, there’s no clear rule. Sometimes it’s fraud. Sometimes it’s “just business.” The regulators are like camp counselors in an ’80s movie—watching the kids TP the rival cabin and only stepping in when it goes too far.

The real rule? Don’t screw people too badly… and try not to get caught.

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